So I’ve been trying to work out why I so desperately want to be partnered. Of course this feeling changes depending on how damaged my heart and/or ego is at the time….
I have often said that I’m lonely. The lack of other adult interaction in my day today life, not having someone to talk to at night, only having my children to discuss things with…But am I? Is it just that all those people I call friends are so tied up with their own lives and their own partners that we just don’t have time to talk? Is having friends enough? Is having your own children enough? Am I being selfish wanting more than I have when so many people don’t even have that? It’s not even that I hate being on my own. I quite enjoy my own company to be honest. But how good is it knowing that you have someone to go home to?
Also, am I afraid of just being alone? Now, I do know there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. And yet, at times I feel myself in both situations. A colleague told me a story last week, which I’m still not sure how I feel about. She recounted the story of her mother who, at 72, started a relationship with someone and had “the best five years of her life” before one of them passed away. For me, this story was both heartening and deeply depressing. Do I really have to wait until I’m 72? That does not seem fair. As I feel myself hurtling towards 50, it distresses me to realise that I may never actually find love again.
I really want to be a strong independent woman. But I cannot escape this vulnerability within. And I still want someone to be in my life. I still want to share my life. I want to be loved. And I want to love. And I’m sorry but my kids really aren’t enough. And if that’s selfish, then I guess I’ll have to wear that.
I think it comes to this: when I am broken, I have no self esteem and feel that I will never be loved. Experience has, of course, taught me that that is absolutely not true. But self esteem, self worth…self concept is such a fragile thing.
Even at 47 I’m still very much working on it!!
justmeraving 